Well, for starters I had to stop between the title of this post and the text to go see what the crash was. He had tipped over his dresser, breaking his cubbies because he was mad about being in time out.
The real answer is, everything! The bipolar child looks like everything. He is sweet and angelic, creative, funny, anxious, loving, charming, violent, destructive, malicious, and cruel. I brace myself in the morning before I open my son's door because I don't know what's on the other side. Every child is (*CRASH* It sounds like he flipped the dresser again. I'm not standing it up again this time.) different, but I think most parents of a bipolar child will tell you that they have one thing in common: THE LOOK.
It's a change in the eyes that is hard to describe. The look is the sign that your child is well beyond reason. He or she will not be swayed by reward or consequence and something very very bad is about to happen. In my son's case it's a sort of ecstatic grin with a crazed manic laugh. I love my son's real laugh. It's one of my favorite sounds in the world. This isn't the same sound. It's a frantic, crazed laugh and it means I have about 3 seconds to get him to somewhere safe before he starts world war III.
For the parent, we live in fear of the look. We watch for it constantly because we know that it can come at any moment, without warning and catching it early is the only way to minimize damage. If you're not familiar with a bipolar child this probably just looks like an overprotective parent making something out of nothing. It isn't. The look is very real and unmistakable. It means the little sweetheart who has been so nicely playing and sharing has left, and in his place is a child capable of almost anything. It means our child is about to have one of those moments that everyone says, "Oh no. He's such a good boy. I'm sure he wouldn't do something like that." about.
I hate running errands because I know that there is a very good chance that my son will flip while we're out. There's nothing like trying to pay for groceries while your son is emptying the contents of the cart onto the floor and shrieking with glee. Worse still are the times he starts smacking his sister because he knows it will take me a moment to get her safely out of the cart and away from him. What should I do? I have no one to watch him and we need groceries. I can't hold his hands while I'm paying, and I have to pay before we can leave. At home he'll smear poo on everything, pour urine into the heat vent and everywhere else, scream "Help! Help!" out the window, color on walls, hide dirty diapers around the house, trash the fridge, assault all of us, scream, destroy, and generally be as rotten as he can be. Except when he's not. Sometimes he wants to read stories and color and snuggle and play in the yard. It makes me want to scream and cry and tantrum right along side him.
If you want a glimpse of my life, I suppose Monday pretty much sums up life with Pajama Monster.
Monday we woke, had a nice morning, sent Pajama monster to preschool and then had lunch. Overall ok with only a few defiant acts, etc. Then Pajama Monster decided to feed Baby Peep a few bites of her noodles. It was nice seeing him being so loving toward her and I thought I had enough time to run downstairs and set a vase in the cupboard. I had just reached the cupboard when I heard the scream. Apparently Pajama Monster had fed Peep a couple of bites and then rammed the metal fork straight into the back of her throat. He later said he did it because he was mad that I had gone downstairs. When Peep calmed I could see two bloody punctures in her throat, and couldn't tell if there were more further down. We rushed to urgent care. While there Pajama Monster set about trashing the room we were in, throwing supplies in the garbage, yelling rude things at me, etc. I finally buckled him into one of the chairs. Angry, he hit his sister then cheerfully announced that he was going to wet himself, and did. After tipping any furniture he could reach and several more attempted assaults he announced that he was going to poo himself, and did. I rushed him to the bathroom where he danced around gleefully chanting about poo. He then spent the next 30 minutes pinching me and hitting me while we stood in line at the pharmacy for Peep's antibiotics. At one point he tried to it me, slipped into the wall and screamed for the world to hear, "You hit me so hard I'm going to die!!" We finally drove home. At home he then ate dinner and hopped into bed, kissed me goodnight and went to sleep like a little angel. Peep still has the sores in her throat, several days later, but they are healing nicely and aren't likely to cause her any further discomfort. Still, I'm haunted by the realization that becasue I left the room for less than 1 minute, my baby could have been killed. Since then, I never leave them alone for even a second. It's exhausting and I'm going out of my mind. I have to follow them if they leave the room and take them with me to use the bathroom, check laundry, grab my hairbrush, get something from the pantry, everything. That, I believe, is what it means to live with a bipolar child. Every moment is spent coping with their illness or planning for it. I fantasize sometimes about what it would be like to just let them play in the yard for a few minutes and know they're safe. I wonder if I'll ever know what that's like.
I feel for you BIG TIME because this is what I deal with every day. I have a 3 year old "Pajama Monster" who was recently diagnosed with Autism, but I swear he fits a little bit of every diagnosis and I KNOW that he's bi-polar. He's "sweet-as-can-be-until-he-destroys-the-world-and-everything-in-it." He IS EVERYTHING, just as you described. I always say that "J" is just MORE of everything than most kids. His excited consists of joyful shrieks, happy body shaking, & giggles that verge on insanity. And so does his angry. When he's mad he screams, kicks, pinches, hits, flails, smashes into walls, snaps clothing hangers in half, poops on the ground, smears poop on the walls, hits the door so hard I'm certain he's going to break his hand." And what's crazy is that he can somehow be all of these things in a day - in an hour - in an instant! Sometimes I feel so defeated and hopeless. It's comforting to know that I am not alone in this...and that it can get better. Thank you SO much for this wonderful blog!
ReplyDeleteThanks! When I started this blog it was because I felt so very alone. Bipolar is rare and because it's a little of everything people are very quick to judge and there's no one around who really knows what it's like. I remember when Pajama Monster first becan counseling the Psychologist asked about autism several times. I think it was only because I specialize in children's mental disorders that he was willing to listen to me about why that diagnosis didn't fit at all. After a year in counseling he said he doesn't think it's autism at all and definitely believes it is bipolar with some anxiety and ODD. I think they sometimes try to lump anything that seems strange into the autism category. The thing that seems like it should be obvious is that autistic kids react to their world. They might react to things that wouldn't bother someone else, but it's still a reaction to an outside stimuli. Pajama Monster and other bipolar kids are just switching moods because something inside them is changing. He doesn't go bonkers and trash the place because something really upset him, he just suddenly gets in that mood and there's no turning him around till the mood breaks, then later he;s happy and nothing could make him act like that, till he swings again and nothing can calm him. I hope your therapist is really helpful and that you get the support you deserve from your friends and family. Little by little I see Pajama monster improving, and I hope your little J does too. It's a slow process and so very exhausting, but little by little it does get better.
ReplyDeleteStumbled upon your blog. My heart goes out to your family. Especially your son. I have lived nearly 27 yrs of the very same behavior with my child. I was told yrs back..it just a stage..poo smearing..encroprecis..sibling rivalry. Even when doctor informed of maternal grandma having bipolar disorder. Today, i barely have a decent relationship with my grown child. She suffered depression, anorexia,drug abuse, alcohol,sex you name shes done it. No matter what the consequence. Antidepressent help somewhat. Yrs of family and individual therapy amounted to zilch. Her psychiatrist at 15 said take your remeron and see you next mth. No real counseling involved. Our other child suffered thru all of this as well. He no longer wishes to be around his sibling due to all the drama and anger she has. She can explode in a rage over smiling at her. It is sooo unpredictable her mood.She was told she had an anxiety disorder at one county treatment center. She also believes she has ocd due to strange fears and thoughts. She comes to me for answers . I beg her to seek cognitive awareness therapy along with testing for possible bipolar disorder and her reply. Im not crazy. Im not your mom. My heart is broken. I am no longer able to control and assist my child. She is an adult now and must make her own decisions. I wish there would have been more awareness of childhood bipolar disorder 27 yrs ago. Perhaps, i wouldnt be writing all this. Ty for letting me vent. My prayers are with you and your entire family.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words! My Pajama monster is now 9, and some days are good, but many are like this. I hope your daughter is able to see the problem and get evaluated for bipolar. It's so hard when we see the problem, but we can't get them to see it or take any steps to help themselves.
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