I'm sure it's happened to most of us. We're struggling to deal with a tantrum or saying no to a cookie or just minding our own business while grocery shopping when suddenly we are the victim of a drive-by parenting attack! Whether it's the old lady telling me that I should put those bananas back because they're not organic and the pesticides will irreparably harm my son, or the woman telling me that I shouldn't tell him not to throw things because he's a good boy, they all go beyond bad manners and into the realm of dangerous.
Dangerous? Yes! The mother who is the victim of this parenting assault is one of two things. She is either a loving mother who is doing her very best to handle the situation, in which case the drive by criticism only makes her job harder and increases her stress, depleting her coping skills, or she is an abusive mother who really is a danger to her child. If she is an abusive parent then all you have done with a nasty comment is make her angry. She can't safely take that anger out on you, so guess who is going to suffer for your action? Rest assured that that child is going to receive much worse treatment as soon as she gets him alone. If a child is in danger do take action, but make it an action designed to help the child, not just make you feel high and mighty.
I've been thinking a lot about these drive-by parenting advice givers, and here's my fix:
1. If you are a drive-by advice giver: look at why you are doing it. Are you trying to help, or do you just enjoy making yourself feel big by putting everyone else down? If you just enjoy criticizing others, go find someone to slap you till you're over it, or go find a therapist, your choice. Let's assume you're not a selfish jerk and you really do want to help. Look at the situation. What do the mother/child actually need? If she's truly hurting the child, they may need child services intervention. In those cases a snide comment will endanger the child further and provide no positive change for anyone. It's probably time to look up the number for your local child services program and explain the situation to them. If, as is usually the case, the mom is just dealing with a tantrum, maybe she needs someone to help her push the cart out of the way while she restrains her little one, or someone to help her pick up the oranges he just threw out of the cart. If she's talking to her child and no one is getting hurt, maybe she just needs to be left alone. Only offer advice if you truly think you know something she doesn't. For example, there's a changing table on the other side of that clothes rack, or his foot is caught in the stroller. Advice like "organic is much better" or "that swaddle is too tight" doesn't qualify as useful info she isn't aware of. Next time you're thinking about offering some completely unwanted parenting advice, imagine how you'd feel if I suddenly appeared in your kitchen, chewed you out for your lousy sense of decor and poor cooking skills and then disappeared. Would you find it helpful? No. I thought not.
2. If you are the victim of unwanted parenting advice: Don't let them finish it. You can greet their "You know, boys like that need..." with a big smile and a cheery, "Oh good! Are you here to help?" Most people will look very surprised and murmur some kind of yes. Now is the time to give them a task. "Great! I need paper towels, and a 5 lb bag of potatoes. You can drop them off with me in the soup aisle." or "Great, you can push the cart to the checkout for me while I carry my son." (Obviously you never have them interacting directly with your child.) Any time they balk just repeat, "You said you wanted to help. This is what would be helpful." Eventually they will either slink away embarrased, or help you finish shopping. If they truly wanted to help, you have given them something helpful to do. If they didn't, maybe they'll think twice before offering their next piece of unwanted drive-by advice.
Ok, you've survived a drive by incident. The final step is to take a minute and honestly consider how things were going at the time of the criticism. Wait till you're calm and not feeling defensive. You know your child and all the factors at play. Do you think you could have handled things better? If yes, do your best to correct what you can and make a plan for next time the situation comes up. Drive by advice can be truly painful, especially when you're dealing with a disabled child who looks "normal" and everyone is sure it's just your incompetence leading him to act out. It hits every raw nerve and usually comes when your child is in the process of hitting them too. I've often had to restrain myself from saying, "Oh, do you have $130K of education in children's mental health? No? I guess it's just me then."
No matter what, remember to be true to yourself. When all else fails, I remember a story my mother once told me. Apparently, when I was about two I kicked her while we were grocery shopping. Shocked, mt mother said "Why did you do that?" Immediately she was beset upon by not one but two drive-by parenting experts. One woman laid into my mom for not spanking me immediately for my bratty behavior while the other chewed my mom out for speaking to me too harshly. It just goes to show you can't be what everyone expects, so forget about how they see you and just focus on being a good mother.
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