I suppose this is my way of saying, how does an attachment parenting Mommy reconcile her desire to reason with her child and avoid compliance through punishment with the fundamental lack of reasoning that comes along with bipolar disorder? Essentially, when Pajama Monster is feeling reasonable, everything is fine. I can explain and negotiate and compromise and life runs very smoothly. When, on the other hand, Pajama Monster is screaming and bashing into the wall in an effort to wake his baby sister, how do I take an attachment parenting stance and still be effective? He's loud enough to hear all over the house, so moving the baby isn't an option. He's beyond reason at that point. Believe me, I've tried every approach to trying to problem solve with him imaginable. He just wants to hurt people and wake his sister and destroy things and consequences and rewards and impacts on those around him are immaterial. He's simply out of his head.
I usually end up putting him in his room and waiting out the storm. I use his room because it's a safe place. We've nailed down the inside of the heat register and painted the walls with high gloss paint. We've filled every little nick or nail hole so there is nothing way to tear apart the drywall. All lighting and decor has to be high enough that he can't possibly reach it, and even the curtains had to be removed after I found him spinning in them till they'd formed a cord around his neck (not self harm, just lack of forethought). I'm afraid of what happens when he's older and can smash his window. As it is now, we often strip his room of all furniture and leave him with a mattress and bedding because we're afraid of him tipping things onto himself and pouring urine behind any furniture he can't tip. This means we have to unscrew the furniture from the wall to clean up the urine.
I've tried telling him after the fact how I felt about the behavior and what the impact on the family was. For example, we had planned an outing to the coffee shop and then to the park, but instead we all had to stay home, including Pajama Monster. When he's getting overstimulated or panicked, I step in early to soothe and help with coping skills, but nothing helps once he's got "the look."
The upshot? How do I reconcile Attachment Parenting with the unusually extreme need for safety? Firstly, I intervene early. I've heard plenty of "leave him be. He's fine. It's no big deal." but it makes the difference between spinning out of control and having a nice playdate. If I let him pour half the bottle of glitter out, then he's excited by the lack of limit and immediately it's 5 bottles of glitter, then he's screaming and trying to microwave the glitter and trashing the kitchen, so yes, I'm the mom who takes the glitter away at 1/2 a bottle puts half of the pile back. It may not sound very AP, but I see it as protecting him from something I know he can't handle, much as the mother of a diabetic child says no after one small cookie. She knows what happens after he has more and she's not willing to put him or anyone else through that. Moreover, she doesn't care if you think she should let him have more cookies. Her child is far more important than the opinion of someone who doesn't understand her child's special needs. My child needs more rigid limits when he's dealing with something new or he becomes unsure, then unstable and destructive. It's not fair, but it is reality.
Secondly, and this is the part I struggle most with, I try to view anything happening after I see "the look" as an involuntary action, beyond my child's control. I frame the time outs as a way of protecting him and the family while he is out of control, not a way for me to get back at him for being bad until I finally break him and he stops. I still expect him to take responsibility for cleaning up his messes, etc, in the way an adult would pick up items from a table he/she had accidentally bumped into. I still explain the impact of his actions, e.g. "You can't be alone with your sister because sometimes you lose control and hurt her." Ultimately though, I still view him as fundamentally good and worthy of unconditional love, and I let him know this. Yes, I still lose my temper at times, but this is my goal: to show him that I love him, fundamentally and completely, regardless of his behavior. He's likely to encounter countless negative responses to his behavior as we struggle with his illness. He needs to know that while his behaviors are often unacceptable, it is not him that is unacceptable. He is loved, just as he is.
No comments:
Post a Comment