Just fooling myself?

There comes a time in any parent's life when he/she must make an honest assessment of their child's capabilities. This allows the parent to push for services their child needs, both in terms of providing chances to excel in areas the child is good at, and building skills where the child struggles. For the parent of a disabled child this also often involves grieving the potential we'd hoped our child would have. I've heard parents in denial around this step many times in my office saying things like "when we find the right med and he can understand things..." regarding a profoundly mentally retarded child for instance. That child may grow to be many amazing and wonderful things, but no medication in the world will change the retardation. Despite the need to be realistic, though, a parent must be very vigilant not to pigeon hole their child. I've met many a parent with charming and very verbal autistic children who were told early after the diagnosis was made that their child would never develop language.
I know it sounds noble to say that you're sure your child can do whatever he wants in life and you'll be there to cheer him on, but the truth is, this reality check isn't about settling limits for the disabled child. You should never tell a child not to try. This reality check is about letting go of your own dreams and expectations and accepting your child as they are, for who they are. It's hard to see all their real strengths if you're caught up in fooling yourself about the disabilities. The parent of the retarded child, for example, was so caught up in how things would be once the retardation was gone, that she couldn't advocate for the things she needed in order to function with the retardation. I wasted a lot of time thinking that I shouldn't bother to find a support group or research medications because surely we'd find some star chart or reward that worked and all of this would soon be nothing more than a memory.

My struggle is this: While being truly honest about Pajama Monster's disability and his many strengths, what does this mean for his future? What is the best case scenario? What does success look like? Could my son become a neurosurgeon, a CEO, president? Could my son be a computer engineer, or would just holding down any job be a success for him? It's not that I expect that he will necessarily want to be a neurosurgeon, but I'm wondering if his disability would stop him if he did. What sort of extra supports will my son need long term? Where will he be next year? The answer is, no one seems to know. Maybe the meds will work and next year I'll be pushing for the gifted program instead of working on the IEP. Maybe next year will look exactly like today, with me typing my frustrations out while my son refuses to scrub the poo off his walls. Even hope feels painful sometimes, because it always comes just before the new med sends Pajama Monster into mania or the next swing hits. I wish so much for a glimpse of the future, but even if I could look, I'm not sure I'd have the courage to do so.