I know I'm getting ahead of myself since we don't know that the Depakote will continue to work. If he continues to do better and then worse we can't keep upping the dose or it will become unsafe. That's just not an option. Still, he's my baby and I'm going to hope this time because I feel like I have to. I love him and I want this for him so badly there aren't even words.
As Pajama Monster has more days that bring no more than normal Preschooler problems I'm beginning to look more at our attachment. I feel that being forced into the position of warden for so long, just to keep the family safe, has done damage to our bond. Pajama Monster is still a snuggle seeking, Mommy loving, little boy, but I've noticed him seeking out more mommy cuddle time lately and being more upset if I'm not available all the time. I think he's wanting to strengthen his sense of trust and attachment and I want to help him with that. I'm beginning to be able to go back to more AP methods of discipline. We still have time outs, but they're more rare, as Pajama Monster has become more responsive to invitations to problem solve together and reminders of how his actions make people feel. He's more easily redirected with silly games and new activities.
I find that I'm struggling with my own fears any time a behavior looks like one of his old problem behaviors. For example, when he was getting ready for a full scale destructive, hitting, etc. fit, one of the first things he'd often do is flip open the gas tank door on our car. Usually it was the gas cap several times then running and hitting while I buckled him in, then unbuckling himself over and over while screaming at the top of his lungs and kicking my seat and knocking the head rest up so I couldn't see behind me. He'd also harass and attempt to hurt his sister if he could reach her, and generally be as rotten as possible till I could carry him, pinching and screaming and hitting, into his room where he's poo or urinate on everything. The action of flipping open the gas tank door itself does no harm, but we didn't want him opening the gas cap, so he has been asked to leave it alone. It's just an association, but when he did this yesterday I could feel my adrenaline rising. I was able to ask him if he was hoping for a good ride home playing games with Mommy or a bad ride home, and what things he'd like to do. He made up a silly game of Mommy saying "Microwave, Microwave, What are you toasting?" and he'd answer with various silly options. We had a good ride home playing the microwave game and a nice evening, but my initial gut response was to overreact because jumping to maximum containment was what had always been required in the past after this small act. I can't overlook my gut responses because they'll help to tell me if we are having a bipolar episode, but I don't want to overreact just because things have always been bad in the past. I'm sure that as thing/if things continue smoothly over time I'll begin to lose the knee jerk panic reaction, but for now it's something I really have to work on.
We've always used attachment (or what I consider respectful parenting) approaches as much as is safely possible, but here are some attachment techniques that I'm beginning to resurrect:
* Reminding of the impact of his actions and checking to see if that's what he wants
* Offering a silly distraction or humor to diffuse a situation
* Sitting with Mommy to calm down when he's getting wound up
* More snuggle reading time, mostly because he doesn't spit on or pinch me lately
* Offering help problem solving
* Calling a re-do because we're not working as a team
Wish me luck and I'd love to hear anyone's experiences as you navigate through the roller coaster of life with a disabled child.
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